


cold & tired

by evelyn_yikes



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Anorexia, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, K-pop References, M/M, Sad, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-04-25 07:40:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14374077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evelyn_yikes/pseuds/evelyn_yikes
Summary: kyungsoo needs help.minseok gives him help.—what are summaries??intended lowercaseso many commas,,?trigger warning for eating disorderssad/open ending





	cold & tired

**Author's Note:**

> cold & tired

kyungsoo was tired. so very tired. he felt, that at any moment, he could fall into that pitch black bliss. his body, felt as if it was moving... a slow rock like after a long day at the beach or a waterpark, the dance he was practicing earlier still fresh to his legs and arms.

sleep. 

his body yearned for it, his mind practically begging, craving in sorrow for it all to turn off. sorrow of work, sorrow of practice, sorrow of all the unrequited pressure weighing on his small shoulders. relaxation in the most basic possible way. sleep.

-

minseok was cold. so depressingly cold. he knew, that he could crank up the heat in the dorms, but that would cause all the other members to sweat and the electricity bill to sky-rocket. so he laid there, with three heavy blankets on top of him; he shivers endlessly. 

cold.

his body, creaked and whined anytime he moved now. walking from his bed to the bathroom caused dizzy spells, black dots to cloud his vision warmth enveloping his body as he shakes. he only feels warm moments from passing out, and he knows why too. he worries one day, he wont make it to the bathroom before he faints. he worries one day he’ll faint in front of the others. he worries that he’ll never be as warm as he once was. cold.

-

kyungsoo lays on the practice room floor, exhausted. his bulky sweater that usually keeps him warm isn’t helping, as cold shivers crawl up his back. his stomach is pudgy and he tries to think back to the last thing he ate. he frowns, thinking of his breakfast, why can’t he just not eat? he was so cold.

\- 

minseok crouches next to the mirror in the practice room. reminisce of the song they were dancing still rings in his ear, though nothing is playing.

making eye contact with himself he begins to feel dizzy. thoughts flood his mind. repeating the mantra of “die, fat, die, fat,” again and again until they don’t sound like words anymore. he presses his forehead against the cold mirror, closing his eyes. he just wanted to sleep.

with their dance instructor calling, “okay again from the top, please” in a robotic cheery-ish voice, minseok knew what was to happen for the rest of his day. at least he was burning calories. 

-

kyungsoo hated photo shoots. with the constant poses, bright lights and uncomfortably constricting clothing, he quickly became annoyed.

“soo, you look really skinny” he perked up to the comment. “thank you?” he was uncomfortable with the shirt he was wearing, it was tight, and showed his ribs more than he’d like. his company had put him on a diet the week before, a strict one, and he knew he needed to loose weight. but when his manager gave him it he couldn’t help but feel guilty. one meal every other day, a small one at that, just enough protein to keep him going.

he looked up and down the boy talking to him, minseok, his oldest hyung was nothing but skin and bones. a blanket of silence fell upon the boys as minseok sat down. 

“hyung...” kyungsoo started off slowly, like minseok was a wild animal kyungsoo was afraid of scaring away, “how did you.. lose all your weight?” minseok expression didn’t change. minseok once had the same body type as kyungsoo, thick thighs, pudgy face & lack of jawline. minseoks lips tightened, he knew this question was coming. “i think you know how, kyungsoo.” he couldn’t say what he was doing to himself.

-

it started about a week after that conversation. minseok knew it wasn’t healthy. he knew he was dragging kyungsoo down the same shitty path he was going. but when kyungsoo crept into minseoks room at 3am crying after binge eating, begging him to help.. he couldn’t say no. and after purging twice they crawled into bed together, tear stains still fresh on kyungsoos cheeks. 

minseok taught kyungsoo his techniques. when to eat and exercise; how to not draw attention to yourself while purging after meals; which foods are safe and which aren’t. 

kyungsoo was more than grateful. he was finally losing the weight his management and fans wanted. minseok helped him through it all: thick to thin. anytime one of them really wanted to eat, they would come to the other.

“you don’t need it, hyung”  
“it’ll only hurt your progress, kyungsoo”  
“you’re stronger than a snack, minseok”  
“you don’t want to break your fast, kyungsoo, you’ll just have to start over again”

they were grateful for each other.

-

chanyeol and jongin noticed first, as soo spent more time with minseok, less time at dinner, and in the gym more often, he was getting skinnier and skinnier. months went by. it hurt to see them do this to themselves but neither knew how to stop them. telling management was no help, they encouraged their weight loss.

baekhyun, jongdae & yixing all realized next. each quietly observing as they avoided each meal cooked by baek; every time they were offered a snack, by jongdae, politely declining. yixing seeing them look longingly at any and all foods. urging them to eat did nothing; by begging, they would eat a few bites in front of them...every few days.

sehun often asked why and how they were loosing weight so quickly, but was most often shushed by his hyungs. told not to worry about it, and that they would focus on eating more. but he knew what was happening. it was horrible, disgusting... and he knew every member knew.

junmyeon, their leader, perceived it as them overworking themselves. always asking them if they needed a break dancing or if they were hungry. he only began to realize they were doing this on purpose after catching them snuggled up in one of their bedrooms under so so many blankets... whispering about how fat they were. “i wish i could just lose 10 more” minseok mumbled, only for kyungsoo to reply “i need to lose at least 20”. junmyeon frowned, it all finally clicking together, 

after months of “i’m just not hungry” and “i’ll fix something later”. they were starving themselves.

-

minseok liked his small bony hands. the way he could see each and every bone from his fingers to his knuckles, then from the back of his hand to his wrist. his stick-like forearms, connecting to knobby elbows that look almost inhuman from the excess skin wrapping it. his biceps lacking muscle, only flesh, that he wished he could get rid of. “i wish i was lighter. more petite.” there was only one way he could get what he wanted. “i will not eat. i will not eat. i will not eat. not today. “  
he would not eat.

-

kyungsoo was thankful for his hyung. without minseok he would still be a sad excuse for an idol. a pig. he won’t have the angular collar bones he loved so dearly. the way you could clearly see his ribs, no matter which position he sat in. his flat, sunken in stomach, that led down to his hip bones. which jutted out from his skin sadly, like skeletal knives. all the way down to his gaunt legs, revealing his thigh gap. he was proud. he saw how many nicer comments he got now. he smiled. “i will stay this happy. i will not eat. i am happy. i will not eat. i will keep their love. i will not eat.”

he would not eat.

they would starve.

**Author's Note:**

> i’m sorry if this was /sad/ idk  
> i hope exo are eating well right now,, i really dont want ANYTHING i wrote abt just now to be true.
> 
> hope everyone reading this is okay,, y’all better eat some snacks rn.
> 
> also sorry if there are any mistakes i /kinda/ read over it but??? i can’t read so idk   
> also i just vent write & read ya know like if they do it i don’t have to kind of thing idk 
> 
> anyways my twitter is: @kiwiksoo  
> &  
>  insta is: @evelyyym  
> pls harass me there


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